Navigating Through My Loneliness Via Journal Entry

girl-638061_1920.jpg

The feeling of loneliness has more recently been a light buzz in the back of my head, only exposing its self to me, and hiding from the world. That little voice inside of me that reassures me I will never be loved, excepted for who I am,  or reach my full potential. 

School has never been a safe space for me, unfortunate, as I have to spend 7 hours 5 times a week there. I remember in grade 3 & 4 having my own friend group run away from me at recess, then pretend like they were my best friend the next day. Crying to my mom because I didn't want to get in the car, and asking her to pick me up early. The constant self-questioning and feeling of judgment. 

Why can't I look like her? 
Why am I so socially awkward? 
Why can't I get straight A's? 

The panic of not know where to sit for lunch, hanging around my locker until friends arrived because I could face the idea of sitting by myself. Then being silent as people I consider more valuable than myself talk over my internal thoughts and opinions. 

Navigating through my friendships has not been an easy task, maybe its the hormones or that everyone is equally insecure, but every day brings a new environment of attitudes, gossip, and mindless banter. 

Who hates who?
Person ( x)  just backed stable person (y)
Did they really hook up? and who's pissed about it? 

I've come to the conclusion that high school is the place where compassion and quite possible any traits of humanity go to die. It's a place where very few can actually present true representations of themselves. 

Lately, loneliness hasn't just been presenting its self at school. I feel it at the family dinner table when I cant keep up with dinnertime conversation, on social media when I don't get enough likes, or in the mirror, when I feel like I'm the only one with my body type. 

Loneliness has been my constant companion, and I infer it will continue to be...... just can't wait for the buzzing to stop.